12/3

Last night we offered to take Holden upstairs to our bed, like we do every night, and this time he nodded and accepted.  He slept well, was a little restless, but so was I.  It felt so good having him next to us in the bed where we've all slept during his toughest times as well as many good ones.  The good times are best recognized by the plethora of stickers that adorn the headboard that I made.  Holden has always had great taste.  

The first night home from his initial craniotomy and diagnosis is pictured here.

#HoldenStrongAlthough we were tired and sad, we were still full of thanks and hope that night.  Also the first few nights after his lengthy chemotherapy stays he would sleep with us so we could help him if he got sick, which he did frequently.  The night we received the call from his oncologist, telling us his cancer has recurred and spread, of course we pulled him back into our bed then as well.  We were still not yet totally defeated, but we were getting close.

He loves his bed, but his last night in his own room was on October 8th. That next morning, when he woke up sick, we immediately knew that there would be no miracle for our son.  From that night forward he's been with us, but for the last 6 weeks it's been on our family room floor, by his choosing.  We feel better with him in our bunny hole, mainly because he is closer to us and this is what we have always done in his times of need.  Although there is an overwhelming feeling of defeat, we will take every night that he wants to give us in that bed.

Today Holden was as tired as he's ever been.  I hope he yells at me for his Happy Meal or a popsicle when he wakes in the morning, but I don't know if he will.  We are on Holden's time now.  He will decide.

I started this blog so I could chronicle some of Holden's days and memorialize them for myself and hopefully share some of our precious moments with anybody that is reading and following Holden's story.  I wish I had started sooner, during the good days, those are what I want to remember.  Not these.  For that reason, I'm going take a little break.  These are the days I want to forget.  To anybody reading...thank you.

#HoldenStrong

142 comments

  • Oh God blesses sweet little soul I miss his personality and I hope they know what they came up there in heaven I think about him from time to time in it I can’t even imagine how you guys must know I cry every time I think he’s in a better place much love and respect to you and your family I wish you the best you guys are truly amazing

    Stacey White
  • Dear Alex and Chad,
    My prayers stay with you and your family as you mourn the loss of your sweet Holden. I’m sure you know he is free of pain and looking down at you both his heroes – who gave him every opportunity to experience joy right up until the end. I can’t even imagine losing a child and having that pain of having to write an obituary or planning a memorial for a three year old. Holden has taught so many about courage, resilience and love -in his short life he managed to accomplish more than some do in a lifetime.
    Thank you for sharing him with us
    Prayers
    Lisa Gordon. Pittsburgh PA

    Lisa Gordon
  • Hello, my heart is so missing him but I have to know Holden is in a better place. Please know that I lift you up in prayer daily.

    Betty
  • I still think of all of you everyday. I know Holden is smiling down at you and saying I’m free of pain. Hope you can have a peaceful New Year. GOD bless you all.

    Laney
  • Very sorry for ur loss of ur precious & strong boy who now ur family’s guardian angel

    Brenda

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